3 Cautions About Chaste Masturbation

Sometime not too long ago, my oldest son almost, for the first time in his life, blocked my jumpshot. Soon enough, he might win our 1v1 games. He’s only 10 years old, but he is growing up and eventually, probably sooner than I think, I will have a conversation with him about masturbation. What should I say?

Is masturbation included in the sexual immorality that scripture calls us to flee (1 Cor 6:18)? Or can masturbation be used for good? Can it be permitted in some cases and have physical, emotional and even spiritual benefits?

These are the questions I want to think about in this article. But first, some definitions.

What is masturbation?

The Encyclopedia of Sexual Behaviour, published in 1961, said, “no other form of sexual activity has been more frequently discussed, more roundly condemned, and more universally practiced than masturbation” (”Autoeroticism,” in The Encyclopedia of Sexual Behaviour, 204). Imagine what it might say today?

Masturbation, as commonly understood, refers to genital stimulation done by yourself with intent to orgasm.

Scripture is silent on the act of masturbation. The Bible addresses lust, adultery, and a host of bodily discharges, but never explicitly addresses masturbation. Despite the biblical silence, in the evangelical world I grew up in, I never met anyone who viewed masturbation as permissible. That’s changed. In recent months, I’ve seen more than a few pieces in favour of chaste masturbation, arguing that masturbation is morally permissible provided it is done without lust.

We cannot cite a verse to solve the issue. Nevertheless, it seems to me that the biblical teaching about sex, and sexual desires in particular, raises real concerns about chaste masturbation. The rest of this article will summarize arguments in favour of permissible masturbation and raise three cautions against it in response.

Masturbation: Sometimes Permissible?

The positive argument for masturbation, provided it is done without explicit material or sexual fantasy, sees it as a viable outlet for intense sexual desire, and as a natural response to the physicality of our bodies. In this way, it even guards us from being sexually active before marriage or seeking sexual fulfillment outside of marriage. One writer describes this as “chaste masturbation.” She says,

When done in moderation and without lusting, masturbation could be one way that we experience God’s glory when union with a partner is not possible (or we are too young, or it is not time, etc.). The end goal of masturbation should not be pleasure for pleasure’s sake. The end goal of all sexual activity, including masturbation, is to give glory to the God who created our bodies for pleasure.

Richard Foster, a leading Christian voice on spiritual disciplines in the late 20th century, made a similar argument in The Challenge of the Disciplined Life, published in 1985. For Foster, masturbation can compensate for uneven sexual development experienced by young people, who are physically ready for sex “far sooner than they are for social intimacy and the responsibilities of marriage.” Masturbation, he writes, functions as a safety valve, “providing a potentially healthy genital outlet when sexual intercourse is not possible.” Foster sees no biblical justification for demanding that people quit masturbation full stop. He says, “We simply must not lay impossible moral burdens upon people, especially when we have no specific biblical teaching against masturbation.” Sexual desire needs an outlet, and therefore, the obsession to quit masturbating becomes a cycle of pain because the person is doomed to fail, even though, as Foster says, the Bible does not require such an all-or-nothing attitude.

I have even encountered Christian arguments permitting masturbation in marriage. A book my wife and I were given during our engagement presented a scenario where a wife discovers her husband masturbating in the shower. What should she do? The author suggested joining him in the shower and helping him finish. A husband secretly masturbating was framed as an invitation, not a concern.

Before I state my concerns about “chaste masturbation,” I want to note important caveats and a point of appreciation.

In every piece I’ve read, there are always warnings and guard rails, especially around masturbation’s tendency toward obsessiveness, and associations with pornography and sexual fantasizing. No one says just go for it! Likewise, Christian proponents of chaste masturbation emphasize that the glory of God, not the self-directed love of masturbation, is the telos of human sexuality. These are true and good warnings, and even though I think they get clouded by the permissible treatment of masturbation, I do not question their sincerity.

I also appreciate the emphasis from proponents of chaste masturbation that masturbation is not an unforgivable sin. Many parents avoid hard conversations about physical pleasure and sexual stimulation with their children, only to overreact when they discover their son or daughter masturbates. Masturbation does not mark the point of no return. God made our bodies to enjoy the physicality of intimacy. Sexual desire is a “good” of creation, not a consequence of the fall. The first experience of masturbation is often tied to knowing no other way to respond to our desires and our body. Parents do not need to panic when it happens with your son or daughter.

Rather than treating masturbating as “he who must not be named,” how can we respond in a biblically informed way? Perhaps proponents of chaste masturbation are right, but I remain unpersuaded for three reasons.

1. Chaste masturbation seems to underestimate the connection between masturbation and sexual fantasy.

Jesus’s warning against lust in Matthew 5:27-30 is one of the standard arguments against masturbation because of its frequent association with pornography. Advocates of chaste masturbation, though, point out that Jesus isn’t speaking about masturbation as such. If done without lust, the thinking goes, masturbation wouldn’t transgress Jesus’s teaching.

In principle, this is right. In practice, however, it is difficult to sustain. It’s challenging to imagine someone masturbating with such disassociation, like an objective third party. Even if the moment of masturbation is without explicit material or a mental image, it does not mean the act is free from lust. Perhaps the desire has swelled to such an intensity that you must have an outlet because you’ve been feeding the desire at other times. It’s hard to be sure.

Personal and pastoral experience has taught me that lust is not the only desire behind masturbation. Sometimes masturbation is a balm for loneliness, a coping mechanism for pain or fear, or simply motivated by a need for satisfaction and happiness. In all this, masturbation offers a kind of relief and rescue, drawing someone deeper to themselves as the answer, rather than leading them to Christ. Dividing masturbation from disordered desires that draw us away from Christ is much simpler in the abstract than in the world of flesh and blood.

2. Chaste masturbation seems to minimize the NT teaching on self-control.

Masturbation as a “safety valve” and a viable alternative when marital sex isn’t available seems to downplay the New Testament teaching on self-control. In the first place, self-control isn’t a description of willpower but of the fruit of the Spirit (Gal. 5:22-23). Paul disciplining his body ought to be read in tandem with his profession, “yet not I, but the grace of God that was with me” (1 Cor. 15:10). Secondly, self-control is directly related to sexual holiness. 1 Thessalonians 4:4-6 says, “For this is God’s will, your sanctification: that you keep away from sexual immorality, that each of you knows how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not with lustful passions, like the Gentiles, who don’t know God.” This strong command for sexual holiness covers bodily actions and internal passions. Pursuing holiness is “God’s will” and is accompanied by God’s strength. As Paul later says, “Now may the God of peace himself sanctify you completely. And may your whole spirit, soul, and body be kept sound and blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. He who calls you is faithful; he will do it” (1 Thess. 5:23-24).

A regular concession I find among advocates of chaste masturbation is that people need a safe outlet for strong, physical sexual urges. Since masturbation is not explicitly prohibited by scripture, could it be the safe outlet we need? If so, we ought to treat it as a normal part of life and not stress about quitting. The tone of Scripture, however, leans toward sanctifying our sexual desires and actions, not about finding outlets when they get too intense. You will not find the kind of “you can’t help yourself” concession in scripture.

Rather than looking for a quick outlet, we ought to encourage people to control their bodies in the strength of God’s Spirit and resist temptation all the way. Self-control is difficult but possible.

3. Chaste masturbation redirects sexual intensity toward isolation.

Sexual intensity is not an abnormal part of our creation. But what is God’s purpose for it? We have a clue given in Paul’s counsel to couples in 1 Corinthians 7:4-5. “A husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise a wife to her husband. A wife does not have the right over her own body, but her husband does. In the same way, a husband does not have the right over his own body, but his wife does.” Sex isn’t for taking; it’s for giving. The deepest pleasure of sex is found in giving ourselves for the joy of another. If sex is for serving and loving another, then masturbation, which mimics sexual fulfillment through a self-isolated act, might be seen as a deceptive parody.

Marriage is beautiful, and marriage is hard. Guarding the marriage bed requires diligence and sacrifice (Heb 13:4). Masturbation can become an easy outlet to avoid this effort. There are times in every marriage where sex is not possible such as during illness, recovering from giving birth, and extended absences. There are also times where sex is seeded with conflict. Should masturbation be permissible then? I would say no. Far from being a healthy outlet, it would then serve to exacerbate the problems. Instead of helping a couple deepen intimacy in resolving conflict, it allows them to avoid it, deepening the conflict and harming the marriage. Perhaps, instead of guarding us from infidelity, it simply steals the gift of sexual pleasure from our spouse.

Masturbation turns our sexual intensity wholly onto ourselves rather than toward the self-giving, unifying, and procreating love of biblical marriage. God’s gift of sexual intensity deepens the one-flesh union of marriage. I love how Ray Ortlund puts it: “My strong feelings aren’t just for me. They’re for her” (The Death of Porn, p. 74, Emphasis original).

The Bible has a high view of sex and celebrates sexual desire as a good thing. But as with any good thing, it can be used in a disordered way, separating it from its proper end; namely to love God and love others. Philippians 2:4 applies to every area of life, including sex: “Everyone should look not to his own interests, but rather to the interests of others.”

When I talk about masturbation with my son I want to emphasize that the physicality of intimacy like high-fives, hugs, and holding hands on a walk after dinner, is a precious gift meant to be shared. The drive and desire is to love and be loved, not isolation in the shadows of self-gratification.

What about a single person? Intense sexual desire often feels like a punishment to the single, celibate Christian. It would take another article to answer this question fully, but it is worth noting that many have found it possible to remain single and pursue sexual holiness without masturbating. God will supply all we need for holiness. The intensity of desire can be steered towards other goods.

I wrote this article to work through my convictions regarding chaste masturbation. I do not want to push it aside simply because of personal and pastoral experience with the dark caverns of pornography and masturbation. However, I find it difficult to advocate for chaste masturbation considering the full scope of scriptures’ teaching on sexuality and holiness.